Like A Skin

I've decided that the "essay-style" blog just isn't working out so well for me. Don't get me wrong - writing an essay about something is a great way to really dig into it and think critically about something. But it takes oh so much time and I just don't seem to be motivated enough to do it at this stage in my life, and frankly it may be a bit pretentious. I've a number of times wanted to write something that wasn't a fully thought-out theological treatise. So now I won't be troubled about doing that. I'll still write an essay now and again, but it'll be on a different blog for now. With no committment.

So why the title? It's from a song that's basically the story of my life. The following line in particular,

I’ve been longing for something tangible
Some kind of proof that there’s been change in me

I know full well that God will be faithful to complete the work He began in me (Philippians 1:6). But I get frustrated and sometimes even wonder if He ever started in the first place. Coming to Christ as an adult has ups and downs, and one of the downs is that my "old man" had twenty years to grow in me before he was joined by the new. And while I put to death the "old man" in my baptism (Romans 6:2-4), every Christian knows that this death is not once-and-for-all (yet), but rather a daily taking up of my cross (Luke 9:23).

So here I am again. At times, I really can see a change in my life. For what it's worth, I certainly have a deeper intellectual understanding of God (Matthew 7:21-23, Proverbs 3:5-6). And in some rare (and blessed) occasions, I even find myself hungering and thirsting for righteousness (Matthew 5:6). But by and large, I find myself still falling into the same (and worse) sins as before I was saved. And that's discouraging. One upshot, anyway, is that my reaction to sin (at least, after the fact) has certainly changed. And while Satan may know how to push my buttons, I do understand very well the words from David's heart:

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified when in your words,
and blameless in your judgement.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
-- Psalm 51:4,6

The only source of forgiveness is Christ - the one against whom I've sinned. And as much as talking to people or writing about it may or may not help, ultimately it's between me and God. God has forgiven me, and He keeps no record of the wrongs of those He loves (1 Corinthians 13:5), but He's made it clear that in light of His justice, there is no place for sin. I still have a hard time with that one, but I trust that eventually, through God's discipline (Hebrews 12:4-11), I will learn this too.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to the title song of this blog:

The butterfly can just look back
Flap those wings and say Oh, yeah
I never have to be a worm again

The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where he’s been and moves on

I’ve been longing for something tangible
Some kind of proof that there’s been change in me

Feels like I have been waking up
Only to fight with the same old stuff
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt
Come on new man where have you been
Help me wriggle from this self I’m in
And leave it like a skin upon the ground
-- Sara Groves, The Other Side Of Something, "Like A Skin" (2004)