Rain

Okay, I have another Sara Groves song. I promise this can't go on forever (there's only so many songs to quote). But it's certainly true that I am heavily influenced by music, for better or worse. I think in this case it's for better.

Anyway, I'm trying to wrestle with trials and temptations, particularly my response. I've meditated on James 1 over and over again:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
...
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
-- James 1:2-4,12-15 (emphasis added)

Perseverence. Endurance. I think of a marathon -- for the entire length of the race, the runner just has to keep going. At any point, he could make a one-time decision to stop, but in order to finish the race, he must continuously choose to endure the difficulty and press on to the goal. On a related note, this is part of why I have no hair: shaving takes a one-time decision, but it takes patience to grow it out (not that I particularly want to do this anyway).

So what does all this have to do with rain? The very pain of the work-out is actually a good thing. The sore muscles the next day indicate that they're being actively transformed into stronger muscles. I've been listening to this song a lot in the last few days:

Call it what you will, I call it rain
When troubles come and pan against my soul
Go in if you like, I will remain
And let the washing waters make me whole

Just when I'm sure that I can't bear the rain
A tiny leaf starts pushing through the ground
In a place where the soil was too dry to sustain it
A new tiny flower can be found

Once I was stuck, I thought things would never change
And I watched that cloud pass through the sky
And right before my eyes it took a different shape
And I knew, so would the clouds in my own life

And the flowers come to show
That all that rain was helping me to grow
-- Sara Groves, Past The Wishing, "Rain" (1994)

So I know what I have to do (I've known for ages) -- when the rain comes, I need to stay outside and endure it, rather than taking the easy way out and running for cover. The rain is good for me, but only if I continually make the decision to bear it.

Like A Skin

I've decided that the "essay-style" blog just isn't working out so well for me. Don't get me wrong - writing an essay about something is a great way to really dig into it and think critically about something. But it takes oh so much time and I just don't seem to be motivated enough to do it at this stage in my life, and frankly it may be a bit pretentious. I've a number of times wanted to write something that wasn't a fully thought-out theological treatise. So now I won't be troubled about doing that. I'll still write an essay now and again, but it'll be on a different blog for now. With no committment.

So why the title? It's from a song that's basically the story of my life. The following line in particular,

I’ve been longing for something tangible
Some kind of proof that there’s been change in me

I know full well that God will be faithful to complete the work He began in me (Philippians 1:6). But I get frustrated and sometimes even wonder if He ever started in the first place. Coming to Christ as an adult has ups and downs, and one of the downs is that my "old man" had twenty years to grow in me before he was joined by the new. And while I put to death the "old man" in my baptism (Romans 6:2-4), every Christian knows that this death is not once-and-for-all (yet), but rather a daily taking up of my cross (Luke 9:23).

So here I am again. At times, I really can see a change in my life. For what it's worth, I certainly have a deeper intellectual understanding of God (Matthew 7:21-23, Proverbs 3:5-6). And in some rare (and blessed) occasions, I even find myself hungering and thirsting for righteousness (Matthew 5:6). But by and large, I find myself still falling into the same (and worse) sins as before I was saved. And that's discouraging. One upshot, anyway, is that my reaction to sin (at least, after the fact) has certainly changed. And while Satan may know how to push my buttons, I do understand very well the words from David's heart:

Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified when in your words,
and blameless in your judgement.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
-- Psalm 51:4,6

The only source of forgiveness is Christ - the one against whom I've sinned. And as much as talking to people or writing about it may or may not help, ultimately it's between me and God. God has forgiven me, and He keeps no record of the wrongs of those He loves (1 Corinthians 13:5), but He's made it clear that in light of His justice, there is no place for sin. I still have a hard time with that one, but I trust that eventually, through God's discipline (Hebrews 12:4-11), I will learn this too.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to the title song of this blog:

The butterfly can just look back
Flap those wings and say Oh, yeah
I never have to be a worm again

The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where he’s been and moves on

I’ve been longing for something tangible
Some kind of proof that there’s been change in me

Feels like I have been waking up
Only to fight with the same old stuff
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt
Come on new man where have you been
Help me wriggle from this self I’m in
And leave it like a skin upon the ground
-- Sara Groves, The Other Side Of Something, "Like A Skin" (2004)